My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
