it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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