As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
