I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
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