well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
