are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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