I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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