I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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