well I can't set my house on fire every night
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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