I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
