i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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