The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
