i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
