Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
