do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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