we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
