you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
