the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
