Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
And then he peed in my hair
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