Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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