one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
