I wanna bring you to show and tell
Porn is love you can see.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
