Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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