My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The best revenge is premature balding
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
