peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
