mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
