life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
