i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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