I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
