And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
