Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
