he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
