I've blown a few things in my day
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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