she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
