honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
