she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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