Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
