Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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