The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
