So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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