Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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