I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
