Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
