Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just googled if crying burns calories
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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