Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
