Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
