I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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