awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
