when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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