Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
