He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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