I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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