well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Be still, my beating vagina.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
