I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
