Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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